Divorce is one of the most challenging transitions a family can face, but it doesn’t have to mean the end of effective parenting. Co-parenting, when done thoughtfully, can provide children with the stability and love they need despite the separation of their parents. As a child therapist in Katy, TX, I’ve seen firsthand the profound impact co-parenting can have on a child’s well-being and development.
Here, we’ll explore how co-parenting affects children and how to choose a therapist who will help the entire family navigate through divorce.
Let’s first look at common mistakes co-parents can make and how to remedy them:
1. Using the Child as a Messenger
One of the most harmful, yet common mistakes, in co-parenting is relying on the child to communicate between parents. Even knowing that this can be harmful to children, it is often done without a conscious intention to harm.
Many times when working with co-parents, I see children put in the middle because parents are finding that the other parent is hard to communicate with, they are anxious, or they get frustrated and impulsively say things out loud they shouldn’t say. Whether it’s asking the child to remind the other parent of a schedule change or sharing personal frustrations, this puts unnecessary pressure on the child. It places them in the middle of parental conflict, forcing them to act as a mediator. Parents should always communicate directly with each other, whether through texts, emails, or phone calls, to ensure the child is not burdened with adult responsibilities. However, in high-conflict cases where communication is not going well, you may need to reach out to a trained
professional to help you co-parent effectively.
2. Letting Emotions Drive Decisions
Divorce and separation often leave emotional scars, and unresolved resentment can bleed into co-parenting. Oftentimes times when parents bring their child in for divorce therapy, one parent files for the divorce and the other feels blindsided. This results in one parent being in a different grief space than the other parent.
This can make simple decision-making quite conflictual which can then impact the child’s life. When parents allow personal grievances or unresolved issues to cloud their judgment, they may make decisions that are more about getting back at the other parent than about what’s best for the child.
Conflicts get so high that they cannot even co-parent in the same room. At WHCC we have designed a co-parenting family counseling program, where parents can be seen individually by the co-parenting therapist so that they can feel safe to share their emotions, discuss their grievances, and move forward to co-parent effectively. Since the goal is to create cohesiveness in the entire family, children are also seen as a part of the therapy so that the therapist can give children a voice in the process. This also ensures that all decisions are developmentally appropriate.
3. Not Having a Clear Co-Parenting Plan
Many co-parents enter a divorce without a clear plan for how they will handle parenting responsibilities post-divorce. This lack of structure can lead to confusion, arguments, and inconsistent expectations, which can be unsettling for the child. A vague arrangement might work in the short term, but over time issues like holiday schedules, schooling decisions, and discipline approaches will arise and cause friction if not addressed early. At WHCC we work with parents on an individual basis to come up with a plan that decreases friction in the child’s life.
The co-parenting therapist at WHCC will help you bring a more business-like mindset into your co-parenting. This neutral approach helps parents make decisions using logic versus emotions and helps parents do what is best for the child versus the parent’s ego. This can also help decrease the financial strain of court if things can be mediated outside of the court system.
4. Making Custody and Visitation All About “Fairness”
Many divorcing parents become overly concerned with making sure custody and visitation arrangements are “fair” in terms of time spent with the child. While it’s natural to want equal time, this focus can sometimes lose sight of what’s best for the child. Parents may become more concerned with dividing time 50/50 rather than considering the child’s needs, such as school schedules, extracurricular activities, or emotional well-being. Even after the schedule has been finalized, many parents will struggle with letting the child do an activity that’s on “their time” in which the other parents may need to take them. This mindset leads to the child feeling as though they are a property versus a child and can really impact their emotional well-being in the future.
At WHCC we understand your time with your child is very important, so we try to come up with a plan where you can have a sense of equality and the child can also feel like they can move between their two homes with ease.
5. Neglecting to Communicate Effectively
Poor communication is one of the most common reasons co-parenting relationships fail. Some parents stop communicating altogether, relying on indirect methods or making assumptions about the other parent’s intentions. This can lead to misunderstandings, missed appointments, or important decisions being made without both parents’ input. At WHCC your co-parenting family therapist will log in to Our Family Wizard (a court-appointed communication online service) so they can see the communication directly. Our therapists help parents manage how to respond to the other person in a more effective way, with assertiveness and boundaries, but also respect.
6. Getting into the Triangle
Triangulation is a term used to represent an emotional triangle in which there is a victim, villain, and hero. Often times in divorce cases someone will be in the villain role, the hero role, and most often the children are in the victim role. You may be co-parenting with a very difficult co-parent. Sometimes parents will feel they are parenting with a “narcissist,” and although we cannot diagnose the co-parent, we can identify very difficult and challenging co-parenting behaviors. Our goal is to help you and your co-parent get out of the triangle so that the children do not stay in victim roles. Victimization can be very emotionally damaging to children. It can create patterns that follow them throughout their lifetime.
Triangulation has also been linked to disorders like borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, etc. In order to set your child up with a healthy well-adjusted future, we are devoted at West Houston Counseling Center to help decrease triangulation within the family system. Our treatment plan involves seeing both parents individually, working on communication, mediating any issues that come up, and decreasing emotional reactivity. We also see the children for play therapy or individual teen therapy to hear their voices and understand how they feel in their families. With that information, we look at patterns and belief systems and create a co-parenting plan that focuses on what is best for the child.
Take The First Step to Healthier Co-Parenting Today!
Navigating co-parenting after a divorce can be overwhelming, but you don’t have to do it alone. At West Houston Counseling Center, our child therapists are here to help you create a co-parenting plan that supports your child’s emotional well-being and fosters a healthy family dynamic. Whether you’re struggling with communication, dealing with difficult co-parenting behaviors, or just need guidance to ensure your child’s needs are prioritized, we’re ready to guide you through the process.
- Reach out to us here so we can get to know your child’s story.
- Learn more about who we are at WHCC.
- Discover co-parenting strategies that help your child thrive.
Other Services at WHCC
In addition to child therapy, WHCC offers a wide range of services to support the entire family. Our team provides teen therapy to help adolescents navigate emotional challenges, and adult therapy to address personal growth, mental health, and well-being. We also specialize in parent coaching, offering tailored strategies to support parents in fostering healthy relationships with their children. For couples, we provide marriage or relationship counseling to strengthen connections and improve communication. Our trauma therapy helps individuals heal from past experiences, while LENS neurofeedback offers a cutting-edge approach to managing anxiety, ADHD, and more.